Transgender Dating and Vulnerability

Dating can be scary, especially today, with all the dating apps. You do not know what you are getting into, until you are at the dinner table, hearing your date drone on about something that does not interest you.

Or, worse? You are stuck with a date who is a racist or a transphobe or makes politically incorrect jokes after every bite.

The dating pool can feel narrower as a trans person, and finding compatible people can take longer. As a trans woman, you might have to go through some very vulnerable moments.

This vulnerability may arise from your trans identity or because of the poor reactions of your dates upon learning about your trans identity, which unfortunately does happen. Especially, when you are reentering the dating pool, your trans identity might lead to some insecurities, which is natural.

 

Dating as a trans person can be challenging as sometimes, you and your experiences may feel invalidated. Every trans person has insecurities and many times, they emerge from gender dysphoria.

Your feelings are valid as society is still not very accepting of trans people. Therefore, dating can lead to feelings of identity crisis and the pain of being a trans person might re-emerge during the initial phases of dating.         

 

Dating in itself opens up people to all kinds of vulnerabilities. Putting yourself out there seeking intimacy and a romantic connection can set you up for several disappointments before you find the right one or even a good one.

Online apps have commodified dating, which now resembles picking something out from a marketplace. The entire experience of being swiped right or left can  be slightly dehumanizing.

Dating also comes with a lot of new behaviors, such as ghosting, where people just disappear after a couple of dates, leaving you wondering where you went wrong. Offline dating, on the other hand, can be very taxing and tedious with a very small dating pool. 

    

As a trans person, dating becomes even more complex- both online and offline- as some people will not date trans women, for reasons that are about them, not your worth. Before reentering the dating pool, it is important to prepare yourself for rejections based on your trans identity.

It is painful, and it is not something you can fully avoid, but it is also not the whole story of dating as a trans person. In fact, many trans women reported being matched and then unmatched when they disclosed their gender identity.

This is particularly painful to experience because a person matches with you because they think you are attractive or interesting and then discards you merely because of your gender identity.

You are who you are and your gender identity is something you can’t control. Understandably, rejections based on something like that can hurt.

At this point, it is important to remember that you should not let dating pressure you into something you are not ready for- HRT, surgery, or anything else.   

 

There are two ways in which you can get past these insecurities. Firstly, remember that they are also human. Therefore, ensure that you do not put them on a pedestal.

This way, dealing with rejections doesn’t have to be so bad. Secondly, try to create multiple dating opportunities for yourself. That way, one bad date will not put you in a lull. You can hang out with different people and see what works out.     

 

What is also problematic is how trans gender community is sexualized. The only way to deal with that situation is to block the person.

If you want, you could always see where the conversation is headed and try to de-escalate the conversation if it is making you uncomfortable.  

 

Being clear about what you want can narrow the pool in the short term, because fewer people will be a genuine match. That is not a reason to lower your standards; it can mean fewer, better-fitting dates.

Finding a proper match can still take time, and shared interests and values matter more than a large number of options. Acceptance matters, and it is not always instant or all-or-nothing: some people need time to learn, while others will not accept your identity. If someone will not respect who you are, moving on protects you.    

 

We hope this article will help you set realistic expectations in terms of trans dating. Good luck!! 

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Practical safety basics: meet in public places first, tell a trusted person where you are going, keep control of your own transport, and block and report anyone who sexualizes you, pressures you, or makes you feel unsafe. When and how you disclose your identity is your decision, and no date is owed an explanation on their timetable.