Disconnecting Gender From Pronouns | MtF FtM Transgender

In the trans community, being misgendered is often a common issue. What does that mean? Essentially, it is when a trans woman is referred to with the pronouns ‘him’ and ‘he.’

For some people being correctly gendered does not validate them and being misgendered does not offend them. However, it is also quite natural to feel sensitive about this issue.

This becomes even more complex for non-binary people, because humans are conditioned to keep others in boxes. As a result, you will get categorized as one gender or the other.    


However, one of the best things you can do for yourself is to detach all significance from being gendered.

The reason is that, despite passing in various contexts, if you attach too much importance to being gendered properly, it could lead to immense pain in situations where you do get misgendered.


While it is easier said than done, distancing yourself from gendering can go a long way in contributing your own acceptance towards your gender identity.

It is easier to let go of this expectation because how you are gendered largely depends on a set of external factors that you cannot control. As such, attaching as much negative or positive meaning for it can only be detrimental.

In addition, transphobic people often purposely misgender trans people to offend them and hurt them. Removing that ammo can go a long way in protecting you from this type of hate.


Disassociating your meaning of gender from other people’s perceptions is another way to get in touch with your identity. Initially, you transition for your own self but gradually, you place an excessive amount of weight on other people’s opinions.

You believe that one of the rewards of transitioning is being gendered properly in social contexts with complete strangers. However, it is you who must embrace your identity.

Transitioning often comes at the cost of ostracization and it is something that you are prepared for early on.

Embracing your identity at the cost of losing your loved ones feels like a huge tradeoff initially, but eventually this weight wears off.   


For many people, it is also natural to not want to be gendered at all. The shift from recognizing who you are to coming to terms with your identity and then transitioning can be quite overwhelming.

Therefore, many people disconnect from the concept of gendering due to the anxiety associated with being non-passable or misgendered.

Eventually, with time, self-acceptance will pave the way towards allowing yourself to be gendered by other people. You may feel safer in the spaces you have carved out for yourself.  


Being a trans person entails a life of continuous building- you need to build stability, foundation, and safe spaces where you do not feel the need to be gendered but are comfortable being gender nonetheless.

Hopefully, you will find yourself in a space that is meant for you to fit in eventually. Transitioning is a journey of growth and development and there may be phases where being gendered is a priority, while on other days it may be quite low on the list of important things.


Either thought-process is not wrong. How you experience your gender, what you allow it to be for you, and how comfortable you are with the effect of external factors on your gendering are all up to personal choice.

You can allow your gendering to validate you or you may purposely disconnect from it for your peace of mind.    

Do whatever works best for you. We hope this helps. Good luck!!

Found this article useful? Find more like it on our MTF Transition Hub